E-pistle 2009/29 – Why Whisky is better than a Woman

By Paul DeJong, Belgium

You can enjoy a whisky all month.
Whisky stains wash out.
You don’t have to wine and dine a whisky.
Your whisky will always wait patiently for you in the car.
When whisky goes flat you toss it out.
Whisky is never late.
Hangovers eventually go away.
A whisky doesn’t get jealous when you grab another whisky.
Whisky labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a whisky.
Whisky never has a headache.
A whisky won’t get upset if you come home with whisky on your breath.
You can have more than one whisky a night and not feel guilty.
A whisky always goes down gently.
You can share a whisky with your friends and enemies.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a whisky.
A whisky is always wet.
Whisky doesn’t demand equality.
A whisky doesn’t care when you come.
You can have a whisky in public.
A frigid whisky is a good whisky.
You don’t have to wash a whisky before it tastes good.
Whisky always comes in multiples of six.
Whisky doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a whisky.
After you have a whisky, you’re committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
When your whisky is gone, you just pop another.
Whisky looks the same in the morning.
Whisky doesn’t look you up in a month.
Whisky doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
Whisky doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
Whisky doesn’t get cramps.
Whisky doesn’t have a mother.
Whisky doesn’t have morals.
Whisky doesn’t go crazy once a month.
Whisky always listens and never argues.
Whisky labels don’t go out of style every year.
Whisky doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
Whisky doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
Whisky doesn’t demand legality.
Whisky is never overweight.
If you change whiskies, you don’t have to pay alimony.
Whisky won’t run off with your credit cards.
Whisky doesn’t have a lawyer.
Whisky doesn’t need much closet space.
Whisky can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
Whisky doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
Whisky doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
Whisky never changes its mind.
Whisky doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
Whisky never asks you to change the station.
Whisky doesn’t make you go shopping.
Whisky doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
Whisky will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
Whisky is always easy to pick up.
Big, fat whiskies are nice to have.
Whisky doesn’t pout or play games.
Whisky NEVER says no.
Whisky is easy to get into.
Whisky never complains when you take it somewhere.
Whisky doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other whiskies.
Whisky doesn’t wear a bra.
Whisky doesn’t mind getting dirty.
Whisky doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
Whisky doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
Whisky doesn’t live with its mother.
Whisky doesn’t blow you off.
Whisky doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
Whisky doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
Whisky doesn’t mind football season.
A whisky won’t make you go to church.
A whisky is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a woman.
A whisky doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
A whisky doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
A whisky doesn’t give a toss if you keep a bunch of other whiskies around.
A whisky will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are “cute”.
If a whisky leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
A whisky will not call you a sexist pig
A whisky will never make you see its parents
A whisky won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
A whisky won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
A whisky will never stop you from watching Playboy.
A whisky won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
A whisky won’t smoke in your car.
A whisky never watches opera.
A whisky will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
A whisky will never complain when you disobey nature.
A whisky is always ready to leave on time.
A whisky never fishes for compliments.
Whisky tastes good.
A whisky will never accuse you of rape.
A whisky won’t raise any objections to an evening of watching.
An ice-cold whisky will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
A whisky won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.